Have you ever wondered what a day in the life of a Celebrant holds? Across our GreenAcres Parks we have the privilege of working alongside these special people who guide families through celebrating the lives of their loved ones. Becky Lee from Daisy Chain Celebrant Services shares her story with us… 

“In 2014 my mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour, but a full recovery was expected…” 

After caring for her during her rehabilitation, the devastating news came that she had less than three months to live.  

My lovely mum faced her mortality with bravery and died in January 2015. The light at the end of this dark tunnel was I was expecting a baby. I would be following a new path in life, one of motherhood. But, as it turns out, through her death, she also left me the legacy to help other families, and become a dedicated Celebrant.  

 

Traditional and unique ceremonies

Following the initial training I found a lot of my previous career carried over – I worked for twenty years in television production, mostly in documentaries, producing and directing. Often in the subject matter of natural disasters – I went storm chasing for tornados, up volcanoes and to hurricane hit towns. This meant I was interviewing people at the worst time of their lives when they had lost everything. It certainly gave a sobering perspective of life. 

I try to be the calm after the storm of losing someone you love and draw on that past experience. I interview families with kindness and compassion, writing the final script of a person’s life and creating the picture of their being.  

I am there to work out logistics so on the day of a service everything runs as smoothly as possible for the family. Of course, being empathic and patient with the bereaved comes with the job – but also working to a schedule, keeping up with changes and making sure everything comes together on the day is paramount – there’s only one chance to deliver.   

As a civil Celebrant I can slide the scale between a traditional funeral ceremony or completely unique. Many services have no religious content, but I can also include prayers, blessings and hymns – it’s whatever the family wishes – it’s their service, not mine. I can guide, advise and make suggestions but ultimately, I create a bespoke service that they approve before the day.

People often ask if it’s depressing working within the funeral profession – in fact, it’s the opposite – I appreciate life and the little things. Each week, each day brings new challenges and it’s good to work with so many other dedicated professionals in the bereavement sector working to support families.  

Being independent means, I work with many different Funeral Directors and at many locations – people often come to me first now to ask for advice on where to go and who to use when someone dies. It’s an evolving profession with many people like myself trying to break down the taboo of talking about death.  

 

Offering different options

There are so many options nowadays and there’s nothing wrong with research to think about wishes for a funeral – of course to also budget. As the old saying goes, ‘bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better.’  

There’s the location, the coffin, the transport, the music, readings, photo slideshows… some of my services are very traditional and formal, some are themed for example as a flight for an air-steward, or newspaper reports for a journalist. The coffin doesn’t have to arrive in a hearse – it can be on a motorbike sidecar or a truck!  

Flowers don’t have to be a ‘wreath’ – single flowers can make up the tribute on the day – or even vegetables for the allotment lover. I’ve poured a pint of lager to place on the coffin and also had a remembrance table of objects to take us through a service. And music? Anything goes… don’t think in terms of ‘funeral music’ – think in terms of reflecting a life – from musicals to Metallica – from the Archers to F1. Anything is acceptable.  

And of course, you can take into account the eco-credentials of a funeral as well nowadays. Biodegradable coffins from cardboard or willow for example and natural burial spaces such as the beautiful grounds offered by GreenAcres.  

 

Each funeral is different

I now live in Twickenham with my young daughter and have been a self-employed full time Celebrant for nearly seven years, having written and officiated hundreds of funeral services – there’s not much I haven’t been asked and situations have been wide and varied – each funeral is different just as we as humans are each different. Death will come to us all and so being prepared; is the best legacy you can leave.

Thank you to Becky for giving us an insight into her world. If you would like more information on her Celebrant services, please visit her website. 

For more details on funeral planning please visit our website blogs.  

 

Taking place from 9-15^th October, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a time to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss. Among those affected are children who may have lost a much loved or much hoped-for sibling.

Children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults, but they show it in different ways. When your baby dies, it can feel difficult to know how to tell your child and support them.

We’re here to support you, so this blog will help you talk to children about grief and encourage them to share their feelings. Read on for more information.

Understanding how children may feel

After the death of a sibling, a child may feel a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and worry. They may also feel concerned that they or another family member might die.

Younger children often move in and out of their grief very rapidly, sometimes seeming sad and then suddenly wanting to play. This ‘puddle jumping’ is normal and is a young child’s way of coping with difficult emotions.

Children under five may show their distress with disrupted sleep, altered appetite and less interest in play. There may be a regression in skills such as language or toilet training, or they might become anxious about the dark when going to bed.

‘Magical thinking’ is a characteristic of primary age children meaning that they may believe their thoughts and actions caused someone to die or that somehow, they can make the person come back. Answering questions and giving age-appropriate information is key to supporting children at this age.

Teenagers may become withdrawn and ‘act out’ their distress through behaviours. Keeping to the usual boundaries of acceptable behaviour can be reassuring for bereaved young people and give them a sense of security when everything else might feel out of control.

As well as changes in behaviour, some children may react physically with headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, sleep problems and appetite loss.

With support from family, most children will not need professional help. However, if you have any concerns, you may find it helpful to talk to your GP or to seek help from a bereavement group.

Explain what has happened

It’s important to tell your child that your baby has died as soon as possible in a safe, comfortable and familiar environment. If telling your child feels overwhelming for you, enlist someone close to you to help break the news. Don’t be afraid to tell your child that you’re feeling upset and finding it hard to talk. It’s best to be as open and honest as possible.

How much detail you choose to share depends on your child’s age and understanding.  Let your instincts guide you and if you’re not sure what to say, ask your child what they know so that you can gauge their level of understanding, allowing them to steer the conversation if they feel confident enough. They’re likely to have questions, so try to answer them as best you can, or they may fill the gaps with scary or anxious thoughts.

Child Bereavement UK has resources that can help you find the right words, including telling a child someone has died and a short guidance film.

Use simple language

Try to use simple language that is appropriate to your child’s age and understanding. Avoid using euphemisms such as ‘sleeping’ which can suggest your baby will wake, or ‘lost’ which suggests they can be found. Instead, use real words such as ‘dead’ and ‘died’.  Child Bereavement UK suggests saying the following to a young child if a baby is stillborn, for instance: ‘While still inside mummy’s tummy our baby died before they were born, which is very sad.’

Depending on how old your child is, you may have to explain what has happened repeatedly as their understanding develops. As they get older and their understanding grows, a child may revisit their grief and have additional questions and concerns.

Show your emotions

Don’t be afraid to show your emotions in front of your child. It’s natural to want to put a brave face on, but it’s important to show that crying is a normal reaction to grief. Reassure your child that you’re not crying because of them or something they’ve done.  By sharing your feelings with your child, you can demonstrate that it’s OK to show sadness. If you are open, your child will feel able to share their emotions too.

Encourage your child to grieve

Finding ways to remember their baby brother or sister is an important part of the grieving process. Encourage them to draw pictures, make a memory box or write a letter to their sibling. These small things can help them maintain a connection with their sibling and gives them a chance to say goodbye.  Child Bereavement UK’s animation, Remembering someone special who has died, suggests ways children and young people can remember someone important to them who has died.

A very young child, toddler, or even a baby can go to a funeral with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand what is happening at the time, when they are older, they will appreciate that they were a part of this important event along with everyone else. Ask someone close to your child to join you in case your child gets upset or becomes restless and wants to go out. It may be hard to have to deal with your own grief and theirs.

Child Bereavement UK has created two animations which can help you prepare a child for a funeral – Explaining funerals to children -what happens at a burial? and Explaining funerals to children- what happens at a cremation?

Maintain a routine

Children feel safe and comforted by following a routine. While your days may look slightly different, if possible, try to keep certain things the same – like a daily bath, a trip to the park or a bedtime story. Maintaining familiarity is reassuring for children – especially at a younger age. If you need to be away for any time, let your child know for how long and who will be looking after them.

Ask for help

Don’t be afraid to ask a loved one for help. For example, a grandparent or friend may be able to take your children to school, giving you some time and space to grieve and to try to find time to look after yourself.

There are also many charities and support groups that you can turn to. For example, Child Bereavement UK provides confidential support, information and guidance to individuals, families and professionals throughout the UK. The support team is available to respond to calls, Live Chat or email from 9am – 5pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays).  Call 0800 02 888 40 or email [email protected].  For Live Chat, click here.

Join us for our Baby Loss Service

Now in its 22nd year, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a wonderful opportunity to bring our community together and give everyone touched by the loss of a baby a safe and supportive space to share their experiences and feel they are not alone. Join us and other families for our special services at our Living Memorial Parks and light a candle in memory of all babies that have gone too soon. Please join us after the service for tea and cake. Everyone is welcome!

Services will be taking place in Chiltern, Epping and Kemnal Park. Book onto a service here.

Visit Child Bereavement UK’s website for more information and guidance on supporting a child or young person when a baby dies.

It’s traditional for mourners to wear black at a funeral. But with ceremonies becoming more personal, black funeral attire is not always the norm. Now that brighter clothes are more common at funerals than ever before, you may be feeling stumped about what to wear. Don’t worry – we’ve got some tips and advice on how to dress for a funeral.

Black clothes vs bright colours

According to a study by YouGov,  only 22% of people see black funeral attire as a requirement at funerals. In comparison, 29% believe that any colour is acceptable. In Western culture, black is the traditional colour of mourning. This dates back to Roman times when families of the deceased would wear a type of toga in a dark colour. Many centuries later, Queen Victoria famously became a symbol of mourning by wearing black for 40 years after the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert.

These days, brighter colours have become a symbol of celebration, bringing comfort to friends and families of the deceased. Some people like to dress up in vibrant colours and bold prints to represent their loved one’s personality. Others choose to wear football shirts to commemorate their life through their favourite team.

Ultimately, what colour you wear is up to the deceased’s family. If you’re ever in doubt, ask for clarity about the colour before the funeral. If this isn’t possible, it’s better to play it safe by wearing dark colours.

Funeral outfit ideas for women

As a rule of thumb, it’s best to stick to formal colours as much as possible. As we’ve already established, black is the colour of mourning, but dark grey is also acceptable. You can also include a flash of colour in your outfit – something like burgundy or dark green. However, unless the dress code says otherwise, don’t choose anything too vibrant and make sure dark colours make up the majority of your attire. Whatever you choose to wear, make sure it’s something you feel comfortable in. Funerals are difficult, so don’t make life harder for yourself by wearing something that makes you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious.

Here are some outfit ideas:

• A black or dark-coloured knee-length or maxi dress. Black tights will keep you warm in winter
• Black or dark grey trousers with a black or dark-coloured top. A blouse will also work well here. If it’s cold, wear a blazer or black jacket over the top
• In winter, you might want to consider a black jumper with a dark skirt and tights or trousers

Tie your look together with black boots, heels or shoes.

Funeral outfit ideas for men

There tends to be less versatility with men’s funeral outfits, which makes it easier to put something together. Here are some easy outfits you could wear:

• A black or dark grey suit. Either a white or dark shirt works well here. If you’re wearing a tie, make sure it’s dark to match your suit. A black tie is the most common type of tie worn at funerals
• If you don’t have a suit, you can wear smart trousers and a blazer or dark jacket
• Finish your outfit with smart black or brown shoes. Polish them up before the funeral to make them look as presentable as possible

A smart short-sleeve shirt is fine in summer. Make sure it’s plain and has no bold prints or bright trims. Cotton and linen fabrics will also keep you cool.

What should children wear to a funeral?

You can be a bit more flexible when it comes to what children wear at a funeral. You don’t have to overthink their outfit as long as they look smart and feel comfortable – especially if they’ve never been to a funeral before.

Consider these options for girls:

• A smart dark-coloured dress. Wear it with tights and black shoes
• A dark skirt along with a plain, dark top. You can add a cardigan on top or wear a dark jumper if it’s cold

For boys:

• Black or dark grey trousers with a smart shirt or plain top. Alternatively, you can dress him in a jumper in the winter.

Are there any clothes that are inappropriate for a funeral?

Dressing respectfully at a funeral is vital. Bold and bright colours are only acceptable if they’re specified as the dress code by the family. The same goes for wild prints. Subtle prints are absolutely fine – as long as they blend in with the black fabric.

You should avoid wearing the following:

• Shorts
• Crop or tank tops
• Ripped jeans
• Sportwear
• Casual t-shirts
• Flip flops or beach-style sandals
• Trainers
• Baseball caps and beanies
• Flashy jewellery

Football tops are unacceptable unless the family has specifically stated they want mourners to wear them to the funeral. If wearing a football top has sentimental meaning, then ask the family for permission beforehand. It’s best to respect their wishes if they say no.

It sounds obvious and is something that gets overlooked because of the emotions involved with a funeral, but before the day make sure that whatever you’ve chosen to wear is clean and stain-free. There’s nothing worse than realising you need to have something washed or dry cleaned on the day you need to wear it.

A traditional funeral might not be for you. If you’re planning your own funeral or organising a ceremony for a person you love, read our blog post on how you can make it a more personal affair.

When someone dies, you may want to send their loved ones a message of sympathy. But finding the right words can be extremely difficult, especially if you find yourself overthinking what to say.

While many of us worry about writing the wrong thing, there’s no ‘right’ way to express your condolences. A short message to show that you’re thinking of the friends and family members left behind is more than enough. After all, it’s the thought that counts the most.

If you’re struggling to write a message of sympathy, we’ve got some tips and advice on what to think about along with some ideas to get you started.

Hand write the letter

While you can type up a letter or buy pre-written sympathy cards, it’s far more personal if you hand write your message of sympathy. You can write the message inside a card if you wish, but try to include a more personalised note mentioning the deceased if you can.

A hand written message feels more sincere, and is a respectful way to show how the person who died left a lasting impression.

Keep it simple

Your message of sympathy doesn’t have to be long. As long as you write your letter from the heart, you can show you care in a few simple words.

If you’re struggling to find the right thing to say, think about what you might like to read if you were in the other person’s shoes. You won’t be able to ease their pain, but you can at least let them know you’re thinking of them in this difficult time.

Acknowledge their loss

When someone dies, it’s natural to feel unsure about how to approach the situation. While you don’t need to talk about how the person died, acknowledge the loss and express how sorry you are. Tiptoeing around the subject can make things feel more painful for the bereaved.

You could say something like:

• “I was saddened to learn about the passing of…”
• “I want to let you know how sorry I am for your loss”
• “Please accept my deepest condolences”
• “I’m sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you”

Some people find it hard to accept condolences, but it still helps to know that the person who died was loved and respected. Whatever you write, let your heart guide you. You can always go back and tweak your message in a second draft if you need to.

Share a memory

Writing about a fond memory you have of the person who died may bring some comfort to the bereaved. Sharing memories is also one of the best ways to keep their spirit alive.

By expressing how those memories made you feel in your message of sympathy, you can bring a few moments of happiness to the bereaved. You may also remind yourself of some fond times in the process. This can help you with your own grieving process.

Offer your support

If you’re in a position to help the bereaved, let them know in your sympathy message. They’re bound to have lots to sort out, so they may be happy to take you up on your offer. You could offer to do the weekly shop, bring them some homecooked meals or help with the funeral arrangements.

If you make any promises, be sure to keep them. The bereaved will need people they can rely on when times get tough.

Finish the message with kind and compassionate words

End your message with a few thoughtful words to reiterate your support and condolences. At this point, try to avoid giving words of advice. Though you undoubtedly mean well, everyone grieves differently. What worked for you may not work for them. Instead, you could say something like:

• “You’re in our thoughts”
• “With our deepest condolences”
• “Our heart goes out to you”
• “Please accept our condolences”

Leave an address so that the bereaved can reach you if they wish to get in contact.

If you’re dealing with grief, we’re here to help. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have lost someone too. We have a wonderful nurturing community through our Bereavement Cafés, which run once a month in every Park; please see our events page for more information. Find out more by visiting the events page on our website.

It has been a very special and busy tree planting season for GreenAcres teams! From October 2021 to March 2022, Parks across the UK have taken part in The Queen’s Green Canopy (QGC). This unique tree planting initiative marks Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee in 2022. It encourages people across the United Kingdom to “Plant a Tree for the Jubilee.”

The Parks have been proud to be part of creating a legacy in honour of The Queen’s leadership of the Nation, which will benefit future generations. They invited some wonderful people to plant trees from all walks of life, who shared their thoughts on what being involved in the project meant to them.

Rainford Park in Merseyside was joined in November 2021 by Lord Derby, well-known across the Liverpool area as the owner of the beautiful Knowsley Hall and Knowsley Safari.

He shared his thoughts on planting the tree at GreenAcres: “Trees are absolutely vital for our survival. Without them we would literally have no oxygen to breathe, and humanity would die. So planting trees is a fabulous legacy for this Jubilee project. Her Majesty has been like a magnificent oak tree – solid, dependable, always there acting with integrity, and has a real interest in everybody she meets”

February 2022 saw Kemnal Park in Kent welcoming local Reverend Trevor Wyatt, Chairperson of Bexley Interfaith Forum: “I believe that The Queen has been the most exemplary example of Christian service to our nation and to the wider world. She has been a figure of unity for the UK and has been able to bring people together, from across all faith traditions and none, particularly when we have faced challenging times. Planting this tree is a tangible sign of our support for Her Majesty and all she has done. It is also a sign of our commitment to act for the good of the environment and the future of our planet.”

The remaining four Parks planted their trees in March 2022. Perhaps the most moving occasion was with Sir Trevor Phillips as he joined the team to plant a tree at Epping Forest Park in Essex, the final resting place of his eldest daughter, and holds a very special place in the hearts of his family. Sir Trevor poignantly commented, “This particular location carries three separate meanings for me. First, the human race faces two great challenges: how we live with our planet and live with each other. Of course, the central mission at GreenAcres is to preserve and enhance the natural environment, and the Queen’s Green Canopy will be a huge contribution to that mission.

Second, the tree honours Her Majesty and her decades of service. Particularly her role in reminding us that we are one nation with all our diversity.

And third, this is the final home of my elder daughter and will probably be my own. Preserving our species is not just a matter of keeping our physical beings alive. It is, even more importantly, an act of memory that holds the human story alive and a marker that will encourage those who come after us to tell our stories for ages to come.”

Heatherley Wood Park in Hampshire had a fun time with the House Captains from local Grayshott CE Primary School. The House Captains enjoyed a lot the tree planting. Also, showed off some of the skills learnt from their school’s gardening and allotment club.

There was a distinctly royal feel at Colney Park in Norfolk and Chiltern Park in Buckinghamshire, which was both lucky enough to have one of The Queen’s representatives for their counties to plant the trees.

Carol Bundock, Deputy Lieutenant of Norfolk, commented on the environmental legacy of the Queen’s Green Canopy. She said, “It is a wonderful way of celebrating the Platinum Jubilee. What better place to plant a tree than here at GreenAcres Colney. A place of peace and tranquillity, with nature all around. I’ve conducted many services here as a Celebrant, and I think it totally fitting that another tree is added to the existing green canopy.”

Countess Elizabeth Howe, Lord-Lieutenant of Buckinghamshire shared her thoughts on the service The Queen had given the UK:

“She has given dedicated service to this country, the Commonwealth and the world for 70 years. Not only is she the longest reigning monarch in our history but she leaves an extraordinary legacy. She has the deepest affection and utmost respect for all, whose lives she has touched.”

The Parks will remember the people and the stories behind the planting of these special trees for years to come. And they will be there for future generations to enjoy as they grow and flourish. You can visit the new areas created at any time during Park open hours. Look out for the beautiful Queen’s Green Canopy commemorative plaques in Welsh slate marking them!