Mother’s Day and the build-up to it can be an incredibly triggering time – especially if you had a difficult relationship with your mum. Whether you had a falling out, a toxic relationship or hadn’t spoken in a long time, this blog will help you understand your emotions and how to deal with them as Mother’s Day approaches.  

 Although you’ll be confronted with a myriad of complicated emotions, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to prioritise your own wellbeing, regardless of what other people might think. 

Making sense of complicated feelings  

You may have had a difficult relationship with your mum, but that doesn’t mean you won’t experience feelings of grief on Mother’s Day. Unsurprisingly, however, those feelings can be complicated and confusing. During this time, you might feel: 

While most people feel pain after death, the grief that comes when someone you had a complicated relationship with dies can be heightened. You may feel ‘stuck’ in an endless cycle of suffering that doesn’t go away. You might start to blame yourself for what went wrong in your relationship or obsess about interactions you had with your mum when she was alive. These feelings are normal, but they in no way reflect you as a person.  

However you feel, take care of yourself, seek support from understanding friends or professionals if needed, and focus on activities that bring you comfort and joy. 

How to work through complicated grief on Mother’s Day 

Sadly, it’s not always possible to find the closure you want or need. You’ll no doubt have good days and bad days – but ultimately, you may need to learn to live with the feelings you have. Even if you didn’t have a positive relationship with your mother, it can be helpful to acknowledge what she meant to you while she was alive.  

Remember – there’s no normal way to grieve. After a death, many people feel: 

They might also see or hear the person who died and go over every detail of their death. Cruse Bereavement Support covers this in detail on their website. It’s worth having a read through their article on understanding grief, as it may help you to realise that all the strange feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. 

In the meantime, here are some things that might help you come to terms to your loss: 

Journal your feelings 

If you’re left with guilt or regret, it may help you to write down your emotions in a journal. Journaling is a helpful way of coming to terms with grief – or at least understanding how you feel in that moment. You could also try writing a letter to your mum noting everything you need to say. Many people take comfort in writing down their emotions as it allows them to articulate more clearly.  

Be honest 

The first step in moving forward is to be honest about how you feel – even if your emotions make you uncomfortable. Whether you’re jealous of other people and their relationship with their mums or feel bitter about the situation you are in, it’s important to realise that these feelings are normal and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  

Explain how you feel 

You might encounter conflict with your friends and family due to the complex relationship you had with your mum. This can make grief harder for everyone. Everyone reacts to death in their own way, but not everyone sees eye to eye in the immediate aftermath of a loved one passing. 

Though difficult, it might help to have an honest conversation with those close to you about how you feel any why your grieving process looks different to theirs. Otherwise, they may come up with incorrect conclusions.  

When you lose someone you love, meeting others who can relate to how you feel can help. Our Bereavement Groups offer a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team along with tea, coffee and cake! Find your nearest group here.  

If you’re feeling anxious or upset in the run up to Mother’s Day, read our guide on how to deal with the grief of losing a mother. You may find some valuable tips on how to put yourself first, as well as getting through the day itself. 

If you ever have to plan your own or a loved one’s funeral, one of the things you’ll need to think about is choosing the right songs. The music you choose doesn’t have to be sombre. While traditional funerals commemorate those who have passed with hymns and organ music, funeral songs can be light-hearted, humorous and even upbeat. The most important thing is that the music you choose reflects your loved one and gives mourners the chance to celebrate their life.  

Choosing music can be a tricky task, so we’ve compiled a list of the most popular funeral songs to help ease some of the burden of arranging a funeral.  

Most popular modern funeral songs 

With funerals becoming more personalised and unique, it’s becoming increasingly popular to remember your loved one with modern music. Here are some of the most popular contemporary songs you might want to consider.   

  1. Fleetwood Mac – Songbird 
  2. Candle In The Wind – Elton John 
  3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow – Eva Cassidy 
  4. Angels – Robbie Williams 
  5. You Raise Me Up – Westlife 
  6. Flying Without Wings – Westlife 
  7. Angel – Sarah McLachlan 
  8. Supermarket Flowers – Ed Sheeran 
  9. I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy & Faith Evans 
  10. Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton 
  11. Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler 
  12. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd 

Most popular hymns 

Hymns are a particularly popular choice for religious funerals. As they’re familiar to most of us, hymns bring mourners together and provide comfort as they say their goodbyes. These are the most well-known for you to consider.  

  1.  Jerusalem 
  2. Amazing Grace 
  3. Abide With Me 
  4. The Old Rugged Cross 
  5. All Things Bright and Beautiful 
  6. My Lord’s My Shepherd 
  7. How Great Art Thou 
  8. Lord of All Hopefulness 
  9. Morning Has Broken 
  10. Here I Am Lord 

Most popular classical funeral songs 

Classical music is moving and emotional, making it one of the most popular choices for funerals. Some pieces are haunting and dramatic, while others are more uplifting, setting the scene for a timeless and respectful funeral service. Here are some of the most popular classical songs. 

  1. Lacrimosa from Requiem – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 
  2. Pie Jesu – Fauré 
  3. Air on a G String – Bach 
  4. Nimrod from Enigma Variations – Elgar 
  5. Adagio – Albinoni 
  6. The Four Seasons – Vivaldi 
  7. Ave Maria – Schubert 
  8. Canon in D – Paachelbel 
  9. Andrea Bocelli – Time To Say Goodbye 
  10. The Lark Ascending – Vaughan Williams 

Most popular sports music 

Playing a song, anthem or theme tune associated with your loved one’s favourite sport or team is a touching way to pay tribute to them. Each team has its own tune, but here are some of the most widely known.   

  1. You’ll Never Walk Alone (Liverpool FC anthem) – Gerry and the Pacemakers 
  2. Match of the Day Theme Song 
  3. The Chain (Formula 1 theme song) – Fleetwood Mac 
  4. The Best (Rangers FC) – Tina Turner 
  5. Going Home (Newcastle United) – Mark Knopfler 

Uplifting funeral songs 

Sad and sombre funeral songs don’t suit everyone. If your loved one had a wicked sense of humour or you want to lighten the mood with an upbeat tune, these songs are the perfect way to celebrate someone who loved life and maintained their spirit until the very end.  

  1.  My Way – Frank Sinatra 
  2. The Best – Tina Turner 
  3. (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
  4. Heroes – David Bowie 
  5. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python 
  6. Bring Me Sunshine – Morecambe and Wise 
  7. What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong 
  8. We’ll Meet Again – Vera Lynn
  9. Don’t Worry. Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin 
  10. I’m Gonna Live Till I Die – Frank Sinatra 

If you’re pre-planning your funeral or dealing with the loss of a loved one and need some support, we’re here for you. For more information about pre-planning or to join us at one of our remembrance events or monthly Bereavement Groups, please visit our website. 

Grief doesn’t always happen after a death. If a loved one becomes ill or receives a terminal diagnosis, it’s possible to grieve for them before they’ve passed away. You know they’re going to die – you just can’t be sure of when. That’s a tough burden for anyone to bear. 

Feelings of grief before a death can be overwhelming, so it’s important to seek help before your mental health starts to suffer. This article will guide you through this challenging journey by offering advice on what anticipatory grief is and how you can support yourself. 

What is anticipatory grief? 

Anticipatory grief is a type of grief that happens before someone you love passes away – often when they have a terminal illness, like dementia or cancer, or suffer a significant decline in their health. Anticipatory grief can start weeks, months and even years before the actual loss and stays with you until your loved one’s passing.  

What’s the difference between anticipatory grief and conventional grief?  

Grief comes in two forms: anticipatory grief and conventional grief. While anticipatory grief is the emotional response that occurs before the actual loss, conventional grief is the immediate emotional response following the loss of a loved one.  

Anticipatory grief is like looking ahead at death, while conventional grief looks back. Anticipatory grief can be even more difficult to bear because there’s always that small glimmer of hope that your loved one might get better or win their fight against their illness. Conventional grief is about coming to terms with the reality that they’re no longer here, leaving you to find a new way to carry their memory with you. 

What emotions might you feel with anticipatory grief? 

Anticipatory grief can trigger a range of different emotions, many of which come and go depending on your loved one’s condition on any given day. You might feel: 

Anticipatory grief can be incredibly exhausting, especially if your loved one has been battling an illness for a long time. The constant cycle of worry and anticipation becomes a huge part of your daily life, making it difficult to focus on work, family and other commitments.  

You may also find yourself postponing birthdays, celebrations and holidays while you wait for your loved one to pass. While this is normal with anticipatory grief, it can make feelings of guilt much worse.  

How to support yourself through anticipatory grief 

If you’re struggling with anticipatory grief, there are groups and forums you can turn to for support – like this one from MacMilian Cancer Support. You may find comfort from posting in the different support groups and talking to members who are going through the same thing. 

Here are some other ways you can support yourself through anticipatory grief: 

Acknowledge how you’re feeling 

It’s natural to try and bottle your emotions when trying to cope with anticipatory grief. You may find it hard to talk about the prospect of a loved one dying, causing you to feel isolated and alone. There’s also the constant worry of when it might happen.  

Instead of trying to face things by yourself, acknowledge how you’re feeling and seek support from friends and family who are going through the same experience. You can also get help by clicking on this Cruse Signposting Information Booklet produced by bereavement charity Cruse with information on many different support organisations.  Remember – you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.  

Have the difficult conversations early 

As challenging as it may be, having those difficult conversations with your loved one before they pass can save you unnecessary stress and heartache in the future. Speaking to them about their funeral wishes and end-of-life arrangements will not only prepare you for what lies ahead, but also ensures their wishes are respected.  

This open and honest communication can bring a sense of peace during an emotionally tough time, allowing you to focus on providing the love and support your loved one needs as they approach the end of their life. If you need guidance, our experienced team can help talk you through your options.  

Say goodbye to your loved one 

While it’s difficult to accept that your loved one will one day no longer be here, saying goodbye will help bring a sense of peace when the time comes. Take time to reflect on precious moments you’ve shared and take comfort from knowing that your loved one will pass knowing how deeply they are loved and cherished. If you’re loved one feels up to it, you may also want to visit places that are special to you both.  

Take time for yourself 

You might not feel up to it, but now’s the time to take care of yourself. Simple things like running a bath, reading a book and enjoying a nice meal can help bring a sense of normality to your life – even if only for an hour or two. 

When you lose someone you love, meeting others who can relate to how you feel can help. We offer a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team along with tea, coffee and cake! This event is FREE for anyone bereaved in the local community surrounding the Park. Book your space at your nearest Park today. 

 

Have you ever wondered what a day in the life of a Celebrant holds? Across our GreenAcres Parks we have the privilege of working alongside these special people who guide families through celebrating the lives of their loved ones. Becky Lee from Daisy Chain Celebrant Services shares her story with us… 

“In 2014 my mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour, but a full recovery was expected…” 

After caring for her during her rehabilitation, the devastating news came that she had less than three months to live.  

My lovely mum faced her mortality with bravery and died in January 2015. The light at the end of this dark tunnel was I was expecting a baby. I would be following a new path in life, one of motherhood. But, as it turns out, through her death, she also left me the legacy to help other families, and become a dedicated Celebrant.  

 

Traditional and unique ceremonies

Following the initial training I found a lot of my previous career carried over – I worked for twenty years in television production, mostly in documentaries, producing and directing. Often in the subject matter of natural disasters – I went storm chasing for tornados, up volcanoes and to hurricane hit towns. This meant I was interviewing people at the worst time of their lives when they had lost everything. It certainly gave a sobering perspective of life. 

I try to be the calm after the storm of losing someone you love and draw on that past experience. I interview families with kindness and compassion, writing the final script of a person’s life and creating the picture of their being.  

I am there to work out logistics so on the day of a service everything runs as smoothly as possible for the family. Of course, being empathic and patient with the bereaved comes with the job – but also working to a schedule, keeping up with changes and making sure everything comes together on the day is paramount – there’s only one chance to deliver.   

As a civil Celebrant I can slide the scale between a traditional funeral ceremony or completely unique. Many services have no religious content, but I can also include prayers, blessings and hymns – it’s whatever the family wishes – it’s their service, not mine. I can guide, advise and make suggestions but ultimately, I create a bespoke service that they approve before the day.

People often ask if it’s depressing working within the funeral profession – in fact, it’s the opposite – I appreciate life and the little things. Each week, each day brings new challenges and it’s good to work with so many other dedicated professionals in the bereavement sector working to support families.  

Being independent means, I work with many different Funeral Directors and at many locations – people often come to me first now to ask for advice on where to go and who to use when someone dies. It’s an evolving profession with many people like myself trying to break down the taboo of talking about death.  

 

Offering different options

There are so many options nowadays and there’s nothing wrong with research to think about wishes for a funeral – of course to also budget. As the old saying goes, ‘bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better.’  

There’s the location, the coffin, the transport, the music, readings, photo slideshows… some of my services are very traditional and formal, some are themed for example as a flight for an air-steward, or newspaper reports for a journalist. The coffin doesn’t have to arrive in a hearse – it can be on a motorbike sidecar or a truck!  

Flowers don’t have to be a ‘wreath’ – single flowers can make up the tribute on the day – or even vegetables for the allotment lover. I’ve poured a pint of lager to place on the coffin and also had a remembrance table of objects to take us through a service. And music? Anything goes… don’t think in terms of ‘funeral music’ – think in terms of reflecting a life – from musicals to Metallica – from the Archers to F1. Anything is acceptable.  

And of course, you can take into account the eco-credentials of a funeral as well nowadays. Biodegradable coffins from cardboard or willow for example and natural burial spaces such as the beautiful grounds offered by GreenAcres.  

 

Each funeral is different

I now live in Twickenham with my young daughter and have been a self-employed full time Celebrant for nearly seven years, having written and officiated hundreds of funeral services – there’s not much I haven’t been asked and situations have been wide and varied – each funeral is different just as we as humans are each different. Death will come to us all and so being prepared; is the best legacy you can leave.

Thank you to Becky for giving us an insight into her world. If you would like more information on her Celebrant services, please visit her website. 

For more details on funeral planning please visit our website blogs.  

 

Taking place from 9-15th October, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a time to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss. Among those affected are children who may have lost a much loved or much hoped-for sibling.

Children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults, but they show it in different ways. When your baby dies, it can feel difficult to know how to tell your child and support them.

We’re here to support you, so this blog will help you talk to children about grief and encourage them to share their feelings. Read on for more information.

Understanding how children may feel

After the death of a sibling, a child may feel a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and worry. They may also feel concerned that they or another family member might die.

Younger children often move in and out of their grief very rapidly, sometimes seeming sad and then suddenly wanting to play. This ‘puddle jumping’ is normal and is a young child’s way of coping with difficult emotions.

Children under five may show their distress with disrupted sleep, altered appetite and less interest in play. There may be a regression in skills such as language or toilet training, or they might become anxious about the dark when going to bed.

‘Magical thinking’ is a characteristic of primary age children meaning that they may believe their thoughts and actions caused someone to die or that somehow, they can make the person come back. Answering questions and giving age-appropriate information is key to supporting children at this age.

Teenagers may become withdrawn and ‘act out’ their distress through behaviours. Keeping to the usual boundaries of acceptable behaviour can be reassuring for bereaved young people and give them a sense of security when everything else might feel out of control.

As well as changes in behaviour, some children may react physically with headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, sleep problems and appetite loss.

With support from family, most children will not need professional help. However, if you have any concerns, you may find it helpful to talk to your GP or to seek help from a bereavement group.

Explain what has happened

It’s important to tell your child that your baby has died as soon as possible in a safe, comfortable and familiar environment. If telling your child feels overwhelming for you, enlist someone close to you to help break the news. Don’t be afraid to tell your child that you’re feeling upset and finding it hard to talk. It’s best to be as open and honest as possible.

How much detail you choose to share depends on your child’s age and understanding.  Let your instincts guide you and if you’re not sure what to say, ask your child what they know so that you can gauge their level of understanding, allowing them to steer the conversation if they feel confident enough. They’re likely to have questions, so try to answer them as best you can, or they may fill the gaps with scary or anxious thoughts.

Child Bereavement UK has resources that can help you find the right words, including telling a child someone has died and a short guidance film.

Use simple language

Try to use simple language that is appropriate to your child’s age and understanding. Avoid using euphemisms such as ‘sleeping’ which can suggest your baby will wake, or ‘lost’ which suggests they can be found. Instead, use real words such as ‘dead’ and ‘died’.  Child Bereavement UK suggests saying the following to a young child if a baby is stillborn, for instance: ‘While still inside mummy’s tummy our baby died before they were born, which is very sad.’

Depending on how old your child is, you may have to explain what has happened repeatedly as their understanding develops. As they get older and their understanding grows, a child may revisit their grief and have additional questions and concerns.

Show your emotions

Don’t be afraid to show your emotions in front of your child. It’s natural to want to put a brave face on, but it’s important to show that crying is a normal reaction to grief. Reassure your child that you’re not crying because of them or something they’ve done.  By sharing your feelings with your child, you can demonstrate that it’s OK to show sadness. If you are open, your child will feel able to share their emotions too.

Encourage your child to grieve

Finding ways to remember their baby brother or sister is an important part of the grieving process. Encourage them to draw pictures, make a memory box or write a letter to their sibling. These small things can help them maintain a connection with their sibling and gives them a chance to say goodbye.  Child Bereavement UK’s animation, Remembering someone special who has died, suggests ways children and young people can remember someone important to them who has died.

A very young child, toddler, or even a baby can go to a funeral with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand what is happening at the time, when they are older, they will appreciate that they were a part of this important event along with everyone else. Ask someone close to your child to join you in case your child gets upset or becomes restless and wants to go out. It may be hard to have to deal with your own grief and theirs.

Child Bereavement UK has created two animations which can help you prepare a child for a funeral – Explaining funerals to children -what happens at a burial? and Explaining funerals to children- what happens at a cremation?

Maintain a routine

Children feel safe and comforted by following a routine. While your days may look slightly different, if possible, try to keep certain things the same – like a daily bath, a trip to the park or a bedtime story. Maintaining familiarity is reassuring for children – especially at a younger age. If you need to be away for any time, let your child know for how long and who will be looking after them.

Ask for help

Don’t be afraid to ask a loved one for help. For example, a grandparent or friend may be able to take your children to school, giving you some time and space to grieve and to try to find time to look after yourself.

There are also many charities and support groups that you can turn to. For example, Child Bereavement UK provides confidential support, information and guidance to individuals, families and professionals throughout the UK. The support team is available to respond to calls, Live Chat or email from 9am – 5pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays).  Call 0800 02 888 40 or email [email protected].  For Live Chat, click here.

Join us for our Baby Loss Service

Now in its 22nd year, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a wonderful opportunity to bring our community together and give everyone touched by the loss of a baby a safe and supportive space to share their experiences and feel they are not alone. Join us and other families for our special services at our Living Memorial Parks and light a candle in memory of all babies that have gone too soon. Please join us after the service for tea and cake. Everyone is welcome!

Services will be taking place in Chiltern, Epping and Kemnal Park. Book onto a service here.

Visit Child Bereavement UK’s website for more information and guidance on supporting a child or young person when a baby dies.

It’s traditional for mourners to wear black at a funeral. But with ceremonies becoming more personal, black funeral attire is not always the norm. Now that brighter clothes are more common at funerals than ever before, you may be feeling stumped about what to wear. Don’t worry – we’ve got some tips and advice on how to dress for a funeral.

Black clothes vs bright colours

According to a study by YouGov,  only 22% of people see black funeral attire as a requirement at funerals. In comparison, 29% believe that any colour is acceptable. In Western culture, black is the traditional colour of mourning. This dates back to Roman times when families of the deceased would wear a type of toga in a dark colour. Many centuries later, Queen Victoria famously became a symbol of mourning by wearing black for 40 years after the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert.

These days, brighter colours have become a symbol of celebration, bringing comfort to friends and families of the deceased. Some people like to dress up in vibrant colours and bold prints to represent their loved one’s personality. Others choose to wear football shirts to commemorate their life through their favourite team.

Ultimately, what colour you wear is up to the deceased’s family. If you’re ever in doubt, ask for clarity about the colour before the funeral. If this isn’t possible, it’s better to play it safe by wearing dark colours.

Funeral outfit ideas for women

As a rule of thumb, it’s best to stick to formal colours as much as possible. As we’ve already established, black is the colour of mourning, but dark grey is also acceptable. You can also include a flash of colour in your outfit – something like burgundy or dark green. However, unless the dress code says otherwise, don’t choose anything too vibrant and make sure dark colours make up the majority of your attire. Whatever you choose to wear, make sure it’s something you feel comfortable in. Funerals are difficult, so don’t make life harder for yourself by wearing something that makes you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious.

Here are some outfit ideas:

Tie your look together with black boots, heels or shoes.

Funeral outfit ideas for men

There tends to be less versatility with men’s funeral outfits, which makes it easier to put something together. Here are some easy outfits you could wear:

A smart short-sleeve shirt is fine in summer. Make sure it’s plain and has no bold prints or bright trims. Cotton and linen fabrics will also keep you cool.

What should children wear to a funeral?

You can be a bit more flexible when it comes to what children wear at a funeral. You don’t have to overthink their outfit as long as they look smart and feel comfortable – especially if they’ve never been to a funeral before.

Consider these options for girls:

For boys:

Are there any clothes that are inappropriate for a funeral?

Dressing respectfully at a funeral is vital. Bold and bright colours are only acceptable if they’re specified as the dress code by the family. The same goes for wild prints. Subtle prints are absolutely fine – as long as they blend in with the black fabric.

You should avoid wearing the following:

Football tops are unacceptable unless the family has specifically stated they want mourners to wear them to the funeral. If wearing a football top has sentimental meaning, then ask the family for permission beforehand. It’s best to respect their wishes if they say no.

It sounds obvious and is something that gets overlooked because of the emotions involved with a funeral, but before the day make sure that whatever you’ve chosen to wear is clean and stain-free. There’s nothing worse than realising you need to have something washed or dry cleaned on the day you need to wear it.

A traditional funeral might not be for you. If you’re planning your own funeral or organising a ceremony for a person you love, read our blog post on how you can make it a more personal affair.